When Jingles and Dick Jokes Collide

The Dark Side's New Marketing Strategy

First, he was a member of Oscar the Grouch's entourage. Then, he was a professional wrestler. Now, he's the head of the Dark Side's marketing department. What can't Cookie Monster do?

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Patton Oswalt Ditches the Comedy for 'Big Fan'

Independent film Big Fan opens in a limited number of theaters this weekend. The movie stars Patton Oswalt, which immediately gave me the assumption that it would be some sort of silly football comedy. Not being a fan of Oswalt's previous work, I never even bothered watching the Big Fan trailer. However, I finally decided to give it a look a few days ago, and my assumption couldn't have been more wrong.

Oswalt trades in his usual comedic actor routine (which I usually don't find very comedic anyway) for a more dramatic role in this movie. And, I have to say, the end result looks to be an excellent film with a strong performance from Oswalt.

Since this weekend's new movie releases seem to be the running theme of my last few posts, you should also check out a previous post by Duke (click here) from way back during the Funktards' infancy regarding We Live in Public, which also opened in New York today.

Another 'Final Destination' Flick?

I remember heading to the theater with a group of friends back in 2000 to see this new 'teen horror' flick, Final Destination. The TV spots had caught our attention, and the movie seemed like it would be something a little different. We were not disappointed.

Our entire ride home, everyone kept talking about various scenes and how much they enjoyed the movie. For like a week afterwards, I was overly cautious with every step in case Death happened to be peeking over my shoulder. Luckily, that bastard still hasn't caught up with me.

Once the DVD came out, we had another screening at a friend's house. Again, it did not disappoint. In fact, the DVD quite possibly made our Final Destination experience even better. 

You see, the Final Destination DVD included a game that, after asking you a series of questions, would tell you the exact date that Death will come knocking at your door. According to this game/witchcraft/voodoo, one of my friends and I are going to die on the exact same day in 2017. That day: my birthday. Creepy, huh? Our best guess is that we'll be at the strip club celebrating my 21st birthday (I keep having 21st birthdays. Weird.), and one of two scenarios will happen. 

First scenario: The strip club somehow catches ablaze. Consumed by the booze, lap dances, and big fake boobies, we never even notice the flames. Our charred remains are found with silicone melted across our faces. 

Scenario two: After spending hundreds of bucks on lap dances and booze, we're left with no money to pay for a cab. Drunken stupidity tells us to go ahead and drive. Just as I'm about to climb my drunk ass behind the wheel of the car, one of the strippers that we spent half our night (and half our money) with sees us and realizes the situation. Being the good samaritan that she is, she offers us a ride and, of course, we accept. This proves to be a terrible idea when the dumb hooker (blonde, of course) doesn't know what to do at a railroad crossing and stops on the tracks. (She'd obviously never seen the movie.) At least we didn't drink and drive, though. 

No matter which scenario plays out, beer and boobies will prove to be the death of me.

Wait a minute. How the hell did this turn into a post about titties and beer? Let's get back on track here.

The first Final Destination was a very entertaining flick. So, when plans for a sequel were announced, I couldn't wait. Of course, Final Destination 2 was nothing but a huge disappointment and waste of time. In no way whatsoever did it live up to its predecessor, at least in my eyes. 

Then there was Final Destination 3. I'll be completely honest here. Until I read that the newest FD flick is the fourth installment, I didn't even know that Final Destination 3 existed. 

And speaking of the fourth installment, it hits theaters today, August 28. Creatively titled The Final Destination, it will reportedly be the final film in the Final Destination franchise. Despite the laziness put forth in coming up with the film's title, it actually doesn't look that bad. Doubting I'll run out to the theater to see it this weekend, but it might be a fun flick to watch one night if I have some extra time on my hands.

Rob Zombie's Vision of the 'Halloween' Saga Continues

I know I'm in the minority on this, but I actually didn't mind Rob Zombie's Halloween reimagining a few years ago. The best I remember, quite a few people were up-in-arms over Zombie supplying us with some backstory on our legendary, psychopathic antagonist, Michael Myers. I, for one, enjoyed the movie more because of said backstory. As much as I'm against all these horror movie remakes that keep flooding the theaters, I thought Zombie's Halloween worked.

That being said, I'm not too sure about the second installment of the Rob Zombie Halloween saga. I want to believe it'll be on par with the first film, but I've been less than impressed with the TV spots and trailers. Hopefully, I'm wrong. 

Rob Zombie's Halloween II hits theaters on Friday.

Let Busey Optimize Your Business

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'Mario Kart: The Movie' Trailer

Sketch comedy group Dr. Coolsex put together this awesome trailer for a would-be Mario Kart flick. If Mario Kart were to get made into a feature film, I think it would jump right to the top of my must-see list.

Okay, maybe not. But the trailer is still fun and creative as hell.

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Brett Favre Retires ... Again ... and Again ... and Again ... and Again ...

Brett Favre's first day of practice with the Minnesota Vikings was an eventful one, to say the least. Luckily, LandlineTV was on hand to document it.

'Batman: Arkham Asylum' Officially Released

Batman: Arkham Asylum officially hits North American stores today. This game looks fucking awesome. I'll definitely be adding it to the collection later this week. 

Quick, Someone Tell Time!

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Let's AniMATE

'The Wolfman' Trailer

The Wolfman hits theaters on February 12, 2010.

'Time to Evolve' Trailer

A post-apocalyptic comedy. Enough said.

The entire short film can be viewed online at TimeToEvolveMovie.com. Enjoy.

Honest Scrap

Thanks to Joanne over at I Have Seen the Whole of the Internet for recently deeming us worthy of receiving the 'Honest Scrap' award. You know, because we're ... uhh ... umm ... Joanne, why'd you give us an award about honesty again?

In any case, the rules state that upon receiving this award we have to pass it on to 10 other honest scrappers. On top of that, we have to list 10 honest facts about ourselves. Since there are two of us, Duke and I decided we'd split those 10 up and take 5 each. Funny how math works, huh?

So, here are 10 completely honest, totally true, not made up at all facts about the Funktards.

First, me:

1. I once played through an entire 30 year franchise on Madden NFL Football. Played through, not simulated.
   
2. I arrived at my college graduation hungover/still drunk from celebrating this momentous occasion the night before. I was promptly sent home from the ceremony after being deemed unfit to walk across the stage. I found this ironic since not once had any of my professors sent me home from class for exhibiting this same behavior.
   
3. Anybody remember the old Dungeons & Dragons cartoon? I do.
4. Megan Fox and I are happily married. Somebody should probably tell her that, though.
   
5. My balls are bigger than yours. Figuratively and literally.
   

Now, Duke:

1. He can say his ABCs backwards as easily as everyone else can say them forwards.
   
2. He still "wants to be like Mike."
   
3. He was the "stunt double" for Tommy Lee in the infamous honeymoon video with Pamela Anderson.
   
4. On occasion, he'll break out the old school Nintendo and Double Dribble. This nostalgia kick is made complete by playing on a 15-inch television. It reminds him of a simpler time.
   
5. He used to date a girl who bore some resemblance to the Wolfman.
   

Yeah, that was all 100% factual information about us. Umm ... anyway ...

And, after careful consideration, the 10 winners of the 'Honest Scrap' award are:

• Beer or Kid
  
• Soylent Green
  
• Knuckledraggin' My Life Away
  
• Culture Kills ... wait, I Mean Cutlery
  
• Popped Culture
  
• Unfinished Rambler
  
• Maugeritaville
  
• nonamedufus
  
• Flaming Zombie Monkeys
  
• That Girls Site
  

Congratulations to all of you for being randomly ... umm ... I mean, carefully chosen. Pass it on if you'd like, or not. I assure you, it won't hurt my feelings or anything if you don't.

Thanks again, Joanne!

Jeepers!

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The Uncovered Truth

A couple weeks ago, I was kicking it with some friends when one of them, Wayne, started talking about this strange theory he'd been pondering. The words that were coming from his mouth were so mind-blowingly bizarre that they actually made quite a bit of sense. 

Of course, "mind-blowing" and "bizarre" are right up the Funktards' alley, so I asked him to type up his thoughts and send them to me. It just wouldn't be fair to the world if this thought-provoking hilarity wasn't shared. So, with that, the Funktards' first guest commentary was born.

Let it be noted that no drugs or alcohol were involved in the writing of this commentary. Or, at least I don't think they were.

The Uncovered Truth

by Wayne

Ok. After reading this, you are going to think that I am a complete retard or a genius, or maybe both. However, I do ask that you read my complete ramblings before you pass judgment. This may be scary, so bare with me.
 
Not too long ago, I was flipping through the channels and came across Winnie the Pooh. Now, I know what you are thinking, "Where did that come from?" Well, we have all watched it and have been accustomed to the lovable bear and his gang of friends. However, I will uncover the truth about lies that have been portrayed by A. A. Milne and hidden by Walt Disney.

The fact of the matter is that the whole cast of charming animals in the Winnie the Pooh series are all complete drug addicts. This is where the retard assumptions might kick in, but I have a complete case against these druggies and I will prove my point.
 
I can start with any of the characters, but I have to start with the dealer/supplier himself. There is only one character mischievous enough to pull this off, Rabbit. The clever, yet misunderstood, Rabbit is quick witted and ready to take advantage of any situation when he see's the opportunity to do so. Also, what is he really growing in his garden that he overprotects?
 
Now that we know who the supplier is, we have to figure out just what he is supplying and to whom. Let's start with the main character himself, Pooh. This one is so blatantly obvious I shouldn't have to write it down, but for those who aren't so quick to recognize the obvious, I will. Pooh is definitely a pot head. There has never been an episode that Pooh was not begging for some honey. He has the munchies more than the cast of Half Baked ... two large pizzas and Funyuns, man ... Funyuns ... yeah. Marijuana is definitely a must for Pooh.
 
Then there is Eeyore. The pessimistic, melancholic, depressed old donkey who makes me almost want to shoot myself watching him. It's undeniable that Eeyore is on Downers. He is so depressed, I am surprised that he hasn't tried to hang himself just to end it all.
 
Now we get to Piglet. You are probably thinking, "Piglet? No F-N way!" Oh there is a way and his drug of choice would be Cocaine. Once again, "Piglet? Cocaine? No F-N way!". The dude is so paranoid it is pathetic. I've seen episodes where his own shadows freak him out. If he is not on Cocaine, let Jessica Alba show up at my house at any point in my life.

As we get to Tigger, things should be self-explanatory now. Let's see... Immediately after smoking Methamphetamine or injecting it into a vein, the user experiences an intense surge of euphoria, called a "rush" or "flash." Methamphetamine makes people feel alert and energetic, confident and talkative. Hmmmmm.... This poor dude has got to be shooting up 3 or 4 times a day, because the last time I checked, I have never seen a real tiger bounce on it's tail.
 
And last but not least, I give you Christopher Robin Milne, son of the author and the one who named all of the characters. What boy runs around a forest talking to a bear, a pig, a rabbit, a donkey and a tiger? Seriously, the kid puts Shrooms in everything that he eats, breakfast, lunch and dinner. I hallucinate about being with Asian twins all the time, but stuffed toys is taking it a little too far for my liking.
 
Well you made it this far, so you must have been somewhat interested or as twisted as I am. The facts are out there now, it's your time to pass judgment. All I am doing is uncovering the truth.

She Never Takes Her Skates Off

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Inglourious Plummers

via Popped Culture

That's My Bike, Punk!

The Green Bay Packers are a bunch of bullies. First, they run Brett Favre out of town. And now, they're going around stealing bicycles from young kids. If that's not humiliating enough, they're also forcing those same kids to carry around their pads, helmets, shoes, etc. Someone needs to stop this madness!

Lucky for this kid, he only had to carry a helmet and not a sweaty jockstrap.


Side note: Damn, I'm fucking pumped for the NFL season to start!

10 Out Of 10 Dentists Approved

I think this goes without saying, but I also approve.

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Chew Hefner

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There's Something Strangely Sexy About a Chick Who Can Kick My Ass

Arguably the biggest women's MMA fight to date headlines tonight's Strikeforce event on Showtime when Gina Carano (7-0) faces off against Cris "Cyborg" Santos (7-1). If you're not familiar with Strikeforce, it's a mixed martial arts promotion based out of the U.S. and a competitor of the UFC.

If you're not familiar with Gina Carano, you should be ashamed. You're also in luck, though. 

You see, since tonight is Carano's big fight against Cyborg, I thought it would be a great time to introduce you, the Funktarded readers, to this ass-kicking hottie. For the record, I'd let her put me in a rear naked choke any time.

Carano's hotness aside, this should be a great fight. Cyborg will definitely give Carano the toughest test of her career. Honestly, while I don't really expect it, I wouldn't be all that surprised if Cyborg wins.

The Liver is Evil

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The Wheels on the Shopping Cart Go 'Round and 'Round

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Get 'The Goods' on Friday

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, starring Jeremy Piven, hits theaters on Friday. Every single trailer I've seen for this flick is even funnier than the previous one. Also, if I'm not mistaken, there might've been a brief view of some bare boobies in one of the red band trailers. As you likely know by now, bare boobies will always get a thumbs up from the Funktards.

Speaking of red band trailers, this is one. So, needless to say, it's a little bit NSFW. View at your own risk.

This flick should be absolutely hilarious.

Don't forget that also opening in theaters on Friday is District 9, which we've already discussed here at Funktards.com. It, too, should be a great movie. 

Grandpa Buys an iMac

This old dude just wanted to make sure that an iMac would meet all of his web surfing needs before he dropped the cash for it. Can you blame him?

Yes, he's looking at the porn right up in the middle of the Apple Store. Awesomeness. 

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The Ballad of G.I. Joe

That abomination that is G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: FAIL.

This star-studded tribute/parody of the original G.I. Joe cartoons: WIN.

Oh, and did I mention that Olivia Wilde is The Baroness? Oh yes. Olivia Wilde. Yum.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

Backpacking Through Europe Gone Wrong

... or maybe it went right, depending on how you look at it.

I think it's blatantly obvious that Em is a stupid, self-absorbed whore ... and possibly clinically insane. Not only was she so busy thinking only about herself that she completely ignored JD telling her about the Europe trip, but she goes off and screws some dude who had feelings for her just to prove a point, likely breaking his heart in the process. 

AND, the thing that pisses me off the most is that not once did that dumb bitch get worried that something bad could've happened to JD. Wouldn't that be one of the first things to cross your mind if you hadn't talked to your boyfriend in days? Well, unless you're a stupid, self-absorbed whore.

(via JD's Man Stories)

Family Game Night with Jules

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007 at the Poker Table

I'm gonna make a bold prediction here: James Bond will win.

'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' Trailer

Tucker Max's best-selling book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, is getting the book-turned-movie treatment. The movie, also titled I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, hits theaters on September 25. 

I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL Trailer - Watch more Funny Videos at Break.com

Being familiar with some of Tucker Max's stories, I'm sure this trailer doesn't do justice to the hilarity contained within this flick.

Frank Miller's 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'

(via Popped Culture)

Mirror Image?

That sundae strongly resembles a pair of boobs. Strangely, I'm now craving ice cream ... and boobs.

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The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

At the time of Heath Ledger's unfortunate passing, he was working on Terry Gilliam's next film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Jude Law quickly stepped in to film the remainder of his character's scenes. The finished product looks very cool ... not as cool as The Joker, but cool nonetheless.

Knowing is Half the Battle

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra hit theaters today. I would've mentioned it before now but, to be perfectly honest, I completely forgot about it. That should tell you something.

I'm not gonna lie. Nothing in that trailer, or any other trailer for this flick, makes me want to see it. Hopefully I'm wrong and this movie will kick some ass. I won't hold my breath, though.

In any case, I think this post should be ended in classic G.I. Joe style ... with a Public Service Announcement. 

Epic Slippin' and Slidin'

Megawoosh - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

In Remembrance of John Hughes

Filmmaker John Hughes passed away earlier today. I grew up watching this guy's movies, and still love his work to this day. He will truly be missed.

Through The Eyes Of John Hughes from David Blanchard on Vimeo.

Stupid Bird

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Can't You Hear Me Rockin'?: A Guitar Hero Mockumentary

Not Just Clowning Around

Chug-a-Lug

To the dudes in the back: There's a drunk chick sporting some epic cleavage and funneling some beers over here. Turn your gay asses around and enjoy the show!

I think it's safe to say that she didn't go home with any of those morons that night.

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'The Book of Eli' Trailer

The Book of Eli is scheduled to be released on January 15, 2010. However, the trailer hit the Internet last week. Actually, I think the trailer might've premiered at Comic-Con, but I could be wrong.

Denzel Washington usually makes decent flicks. It also stars Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson (a.k.a. the dude who played Frank Castle in that atrocious Punisher sequel last year), and Jennifer Beals (a.k.a. the chick who didn't dance like she'd never danced before in 1983's Flashdance).

The Busey Family

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I'd Like to Buy a Vowel

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Mario Always Goes First

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Another Great Moment in Public Intoxication

Kickin' It With Arnold, Wilt, and Andre

Given the reputations of these three men, I've got a feeling that a long night of hard booze and loose women followed the taking of this photo.

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