I've Got Posters On The Wall ...

My favorite rock group, KISS.

I've got Tinky Winky,

I've got Po,

Waiting there for me.

Yes I do, I do.

-- Weezer (mostly)

I know KISS has always been known for their constant shuffling of band members, but replacing the entire band with the Teletubbies might be taking it a little too far. 

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Who Shot J.R. ... With a Blaster Rifle?

If Dallas were the Death Star, J.R. Ewing would be the Emperor.

Hobo Hotness

Wherever they're heading, count me in.

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Go Visit These Blogs Oops!

Why oops? Because I completely forgot to make a "Go Visit These Blogs!" post last week. My bad.

Anyway, I'm sure you know the drill by now. These links are chosen completely at random from our 'Funktarded Friends' ... which consists of blogs that we've found to be interesting, cool, funny, or all of the above. If you don't want your blog included on this list, just let us know and we'll remove it. And, as I've stated before, we'll get around to featuring all of our 'Funktarded Friends' at some point.

Be warned, there could be some NSFW content (Hell yeah!) found on some of these links. Don't get fired from your job for taking a quick peek at a nipple or two.

As always, enjoy.

Bits & Pieces

Yeah Oops!

The Lone Voice

Beer Or Kid

The Presurfer

And here's the archive of past editions of "Go Visit These Blogs!"

Da Bears

The 1985 Chicago Bears are easily one of the greatest teams in NFL history, and what better way to express your admiration for this legendary team than to tattoo their autographs all over your body. Brilliant, huh?

This dude would've fit right in with Bill Swerski's Superfans.

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Xzibit's Got Jokes

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Where Credit is Due

You might recall my "BMF of Oz" post from about a week ago. You know the one. It depicted Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) from Pulp Fiction as the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. Yeah, that one.

Admittedly, I had no idea where the picture originally came from. All I knew was that whoever painted it had a shitload of talent and the creativity to match. 

A few hours after posting it, though, Jeremy over at Popped Culture made his own post directing me and the rest of his readers toward the original artist, Dave MacDowell.

An entire gallery of MacDowell's interesting, cool, and even mind-boggling artwork can be found at MacDowellStudio.com. Make sure you check it out because his work is nothing short of amazing. This is just one example of the awesomeness that you'll find over there:

Again, a big thanks to Popped Culture's Jeremy for steering me in the right direction.

And also to Dave MacDowell for being a kickass artist.

Where Do Babies Come From?

Contrary to what your parents might've told you, they sure as hell don't come from storks.

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Red Bull Gives You ... Three Boobs?

Duke already covered the phenomenon of three boobs way back during the Funktards' infancy, calling it "a glorious step in human evolution." (There's that evolution word again.) I'm inclined to agree with his assessment and feel that we should celebrate this "glorious step" yet again.

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Boba Fett's Prerogative

Quite possibly the truest words ever spoken of Fett, courtesy of 4chan ...

Sound Advice

see more Lol Celebs

The Empire's IT Department

I knew those Stormtroopers were some tech geeks. R2-D2 ain't got shit on them.

I also always suspected that Apple was a strong supporter of the Galactic Empire. I now have my confirmation.

Actually, after a bit of investigating, I found out this picture is originally from Danny Choo. That's a pretty sweet setup he's got goin' there, and he discusses it in length here. Also, make sure you take a look around his site while you're over there. I did and ran across this cool vid.

Late Night Snack

I could drop some witty one-liner about those striped socks. Or about making me a sandwich and grabbing me a beer. Or about ...

Ah, hell. Fuck it. After taking one look at that ass, my brain damn near melted and the only phrases my mind could successfully string together were "holy damn", "giggidy", and "OMFG".

I like to think she's looking for the whip cream.

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Get Your Hands on Denise Richards' Funbags

I don't know about you, but I've wanted to get my hands on Denise Richards' funbags ever since Wild Things.

Denise Richards' Funbags from Denise Richards

(Courtesy of Funny or Die.)

Henson's Eleven

Evolution of Alternative Music

The evolution theme has been a popular one around here these last few days. And in keeping with that theme, here's another:

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Something About Bazookas

(Insert witty comment related to boobs and bazookas here.)

Evolution of Guitar Hero

I would totally rock out on Orchestra Hero. 

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Frank Miller's Schulz City

Ever wonder what a collaboration between Peanuts creator Charles Schulz and Sin City creator Frank Miller might have produced? Well, wonder no more. (Note: You have to click on the pics to fully enjoy and appreciate their awesomeness.)

I saved these about a month ago when they were floating around the web then completely forgot to post them until now. They kicked too much ass to just delete them, so here they are. 

Originally illustrated by NinjaInk. Be sure to check out this dude's other artwork at DeviantArt. There's some more very cool stuff over there. The guy definitely has talent.

Evolution of Video Game Characters

Damn! Samus got hot! Donkey Kong ... not so much.

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Fashion Faux Pas

I can only assume that this chick was wearing black shoes but only had a brown belt. Not wanting to commit fashion suicide, she wisely chose no belt at all. The end result is her pants falling halfway down.

Let the record show, I approve of her choice of no belt at all ... and no shirt at all, for that matter.

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Hey Dude ... Except Replace that "D" With an "N"

Peter: "Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?"

Lawrence: "I tell you what I'd do, man. Two chicks at the same time, man."

~ Office Space

What about $3.3 million? That's the life-changing amount of money won by Tim Clements in the Florida lottery back in 2004. Definitely not chump change, to say the least.

And, while Tim's aspirations might not be on the same level as Lawrence's, they're at least in the same neighborhood.

You see, Tim used his winnings to purchase a dude ranch in Brooksville, Florida. Growing up around a farm, he felt this was the perfect way to get back in touch with his childhood. How awesome is it that winning the lottery has given this guy a chance to revisit his youth? We should all be so lucky.

I'm sure you're now wondering how this is anywhere near being in the same neighborhood as Lawrence wanting to do two chicks at the same time. (Again, we should all be so lucky.) The answer: Tim wants to turn the place into a nude dude ranch.

Yes, nude. As in, naked chicks on horseback. Or naked chicks camping. Or naked chicks ... uhh ... umm ... doing whatever else it is that naked chicks do on dude ranches.

In order to realize this most kickass of dreams, Tim must first file the proper paperwork with the county. If he doesn't receive the county's approval, Tim says he will close the ranch to everyone except friends. Of course, that would kind of defeat the purpose of it being a dude ranch since, by definition, a dude ranch is a resort type thing that is open to tourists and the like. (Okay, not an actual definition, but I never claimed my last name to be Webster.)

As insanely frickin' awesome as a nude dude ranch sounds, it makes me wonder, what the hell kind of "farm life" childhood did this guy have? Were the horses ridden barebreasted as opposed to barebacked? Did everyone walk around in assless chaps? Seriously, how does opening a nude dude ranch relate to his childhood? 

Better yet, I wonder if he'd want to trade his nudity-riddled childhood for my more family-friendly, PG-rated one. I'd gladly swap memories of Sega Genesis or the seat flying off my bicycle for memories of bare bouncing boobies on horseback. Ah yes, bare bouncing boobies on horseback. I like his childhood memories better already.

(Information from: Yahoo News.)

BMF of Oz

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I'm the Bad Mother Fucker of Oz unless you bring me that bitch's broom." -- "Bad Mother Fucker of Oz" Jules Winnfield

Jules Winnfield would've been a much more intimidating "great and powerful" Wizard of Oz than some lame traveling fortune teller dude. Don't you think?

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Pac-Man: The Hidden Levels

Either Pac-man has evolved since I was a kid, or these are some hidden levels that I never found.

Another Reason to Take the Stairs

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Every Star Wars Fanboy's Dream

These babes sure know how to handle a lightsaber. 

Had this scene been included in Episode I, there might not be so many haters out there. Of course, Jar Jar would've probably found away to ruin this awesomeness as well.

Om Nom Nom Nom

"Hey! If  you were a hotdog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself? I know I would." ~ Will Ferrell as Harry Caray, SNL

This snake isn't a hotdog. He's just a dumb bastard. I hate snakes.

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Go Visit These Blogs ASAP!

Actually, wait until you're finished up here first then go visit them ... then come back.

As I've mentioned in previous editions of "Go Visit These Blogs!" these links are chosen at random from our 'Funktarded Friends.' We'll get around to featuring everybody from our blogroll sooner or later, I promise. Also, if your blog is on this list and you'd rather it not be, just let us know and we'll remove it. Of course, you'll then miss out on those millions of additional hits you would've gotten.

By the way, there might be a slight possibility of finding some NSFW content on some of these blogs. You know, in case you're into that kind of thing. I know I am.

Anyway, enjoy.

Sober in a Nightclub

About Colon Blank

Insane Pics

The Screaming Me-Me!!!

Theo Spark

I'm betting if you click this link, every edition of "Go Visit These Blogs!" will be right there at your fingertips. Convenient, huh?

Outsmarting the Ninjas

Ninjas are known for their stealth and deadly skills, not their problem solving ability. Otherwise, they would've already grabbed a fire extinguisher, or even a bucket of water. Silly, silly ninjas.


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Put My Chicken In a Chokehold

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Them Specs is Spiffy

They make her look smart.

This Video FTW

Check out CollegeHumor for more funny videos and pictures.

Lindsay Lohan is Newly Single and Ready to Mingle!

Whether you love her or hate her, you gotta give Lindsay Lohan credit for having a sense of humor. If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?

This is some funny shit courtesy of Funny or Die.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Wild Wild West

During his film career, Clint Eastwood has starred in quite a few westerns but, as strange as it may be, I don't ever remember seeing a chick like this in any of them. I guess all of those scenes got cut. That's a damn shame too, because as good as Clint's films are, they might've been a little bit better had a scantily-clad, sexy gunslinger been the main protagonist.

Goin' Hollywood. It's True. It's Damn True.

Professional wrestlers attempting to make the jump to Hollywood seems to be the ongoing trend as of late.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson turned a bit part in The Mummy Returns into a full-fledge, surprisingly successful movie career. Since retiring from the ring, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin has also made the transition from wrestler to actor, with 3 films scheduled for release in 2010. And current WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena's second feature film, 12 Rounds, was released in theaters just a few weeks ago.

You can now add Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle to that list. The former WWE Superstar and current TNA wrestler makes his Hollywood debut in an upcoming flick titled End Game.

Jenna Morasca, a former Survivor winner and also a current TNA talent, co-stars with Angle in this film. You remember her, right? She's one of those chicks on Survivor: The Amazon that stripped her clothes off for a cookie or some such shit as that. (Yeah. I'd do her.)

That, my friends, is an all-star cast if there ever was one.

Judging from the trailer, it appears as if Kurt plays some sort of psychotic serial killer who is just a little too smart for the police to catch. Kurt always has been an intelligent bastard. I'm also thinking that Morasca's character might be a stripper or something similar. Could this result in a repeat of the Survivor striptease? Nice! And Kurt dresses as a clown, for Christ sakes! That fact alone will make this flick fuckin' awful ... uhh ... err, I mean awesome.

If the trailer is any indication, I think End Game could possibly overthrow Highlander for the Academy Award in the "Best Movie Ever Made" category. As Kurt Angle would say: "It's true. It's damn true." 

(Trailer courtesy of Dailymotion.)

Nobody Knows Easter ...

... better than the dude that owns this kickass Cadbury car. Where can I get me one of these? 

On a side note, Cadbury Cream Eggs: BEST. CANDY. EVER.

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Peep This

An Easter Classic

Differences in Deadpool and Captain America

Marvel Comics' wisecracking anti-hero, Deadpool, does not tolerate vegetarians. In fact, if you don't eat meat, he'll force-feed you. On the other hand, their All-American hero, Captain America, will support your decision to only eat vegetables, as silly as that choice may be.

But the dissimilarities don't stop there. By clicking here, you can find many other characteristics that these two comic book powerhouses don't have in common. 

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Go Visit These Blogs Immediately!

It's time for another chapter of "Go Visit These Blogs!" Don't forget that some of these links might possibly direct you to some awesome NSFW content. So, make sure your boss isn't looking over your shoulder before you proceed to clicking.

Remember, these blogs were chosen at random from our 'Funktarded Friends' blogroll. If your blog isn't included on this list and hasn't been included in a previous "Go Visit These Blogs!" post, don't get pissed off or anything. All of our 'Funktarded Friends' will be featured at some point. Also, if your blog appears on this list and  you'd like it removed, let us know and we'll do so.

By the way, I check all of these quite frequently (as I do all of our 'Funktarded Friends') and, trust me, they're definitely worth a look.

SOYLENT GREEN

Woosk.com

Small Bits & Pieces

Tacky Raccoons

Just Whatever

Also, today's chapter of "Go Visit These Blogs!" includes a special bonus:

I stole this pic from the aforementioned SOYLENT GREEN, but I've also ran across it over at Aardvarks & Asshats. It seems that she's smokin' hot no matter where she's at.

If I Have Anything to Say About the Next Street Fighter Flick

... then I say lose the boots, add in a little Chun Li, some hard liquor, a bit of innocent curiosity and we're all set for cinematic magic. Am I right?

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Hella Cool

The first thing I noticed when looking at this real life representation of the South Park residents: Kenny's mom is hot as hell when she's not sportin' the construction paper look!

The second thing: Ike doesn't look Canadian at all, eh.

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Ice Cold Beer

That looks to be some very cold beer. The whip cream might come in handy too.

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Send Link

I wonder if Link gets tired of having to come to her rescue all the damn time. You'd think after a while she'd finally start staying out of harm's way, or she'd learn some fighting skills of her own so Link doesn't always have to drop what he's doing to go find her.

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R2-Beer2

Beer. Star Wars. If this post had some boobs involved it would be the most funktarded post ever.

I found a few different versions of this one floating around the 'net, all using a Heineken base. Whoever made the first one is a creative genius. Whoever made the replicas should've aimed for a little originality and used a different brand of beer instead of forever being labeled as unoriginal copycats. (Image via)

This one is a bit more advanced. It incorporates an old school beer barrel as the base and has a lot more detail. I'd like to see those same unoriginal copycats replicate this one. (Image via)

Where'd You Go, Rhonda Shear?

Welcome to the 2nd edition of "Where'd You Go?" here at Funktards.com. If you missed the debut of "Where'd You Go?", be sure to check it out as we took a look at Hollywood icon Pauly Shore.

In today's edition, we'll be discussing a woman who gave new meaning to the phrase "UP all night" ... not to mention, she had a huge set of boobs.

Where'd you go, Rhonda Shear?

How we know her:

During most of the 90s, she was the "hostess with the mostest" of USA Up All Night.

She showed her jolly jugs o' joy a few times in Playboy.

If you were a teenage guy at any point during the 90s, she likely served as your ... umm ... inspiration on more than one occassion.

Where she went:

After USA Up All Night was cancelled in the late 90s, Rhonda toured the country doing her stand-up comedy routine. Hot as hell and funny ... what couldn't she do? Hmm. Considering the horrible movies she appeared in, the answer to that question would have to be acting.

The last time I saw her was about a year or two ago. I was flipping through the channels and spotted her selling some kind of women's undergarments on a home shopping channel. She was still looking damn good despite her age.

Speaking of her age, believe it or not, she's 54 YEARS OLD NOW! It's hard to believe this chick I spent every Friday night lusting over back in junior high is old enough to be my mom. Oh well, I'd still hit it because, based on the recent pics I've found on the interwebs and what I saw on that home shopping channel, she's still very doable.

Where she should've went:

She shouldn't have went anywhere. She should've stayed 37-ish years old and remained on my television for all of eternity. If she did choose to go somewhere, it should've been to my house for my own private episode of Up All Night.

(Information from: IMDB & Wikipedia)

Camouflage Chick

If she was trying to blend in with her surroundings, it didn't work. The gun was a dead giveaway.

You Ever Take It Off Any Sweet Jumps?

"You got like 3 feet of air that time." ~ Napoleon Dynamite, Napoleon Dynamite

This picture reminds me of an almost-very-ugly-but-luckily-not-as-bad-as-it-could've-been bicycle accident I had when I was a kid. 

My friends and I had built this super-awesome, kickass ramp and were taking turns jumping it. Since everything always seemed to morph into some sort of competition back then, this soon turned into a longest-jump contest.

I had jumped a couple times already without incident, with my last one coming up barely short of the longest jump of the day. This time I wasn't holding anything back. I was determined to get the longest jump on this try no matter what.

I pedaled as fast as I could toward the ramp, hitting it at full speed. I soared through the air for what seemed like ages. When I finally hit the ground, I had outdistanced the longest jump by at least a foot. But, I couldn't have cared less.

You see, at some point between takeoff and landing, my seat had popped off my bike. The only reason I can think of as to why this happened is that it couldn't handle the altitude. In any case, instead of having a seat under my ass when I landed, all I had was the bar that attached to the seat. 

I know what you're thinking, you sick fucks, and no, I didn't end up with a bicycle enema. I landed a little sideways and, thankfully, the bar didn't insert itself into my rectum. It did, however, do quite the number on my left ass cheek, which ended up being very badly bruised for almost two weeks.

Hmm. Actually, that's probably nowhere near as bad as what the dude in this picture has in store for him when he hits the ground. At least he doesn't have to worry about a bicycle enema, though, because his seat seems to still be firmly intact.

(Image via)

1UP Guaranteed

Via Something Awful's Games You Wished Existed

Long Hours. Low Pay. High Times.

Adventureland hits theaters this weekend. It's written and directed by Greg Mottola, the same dude who directed Superbad. 

I don't expect this flick to be anywhere near as great as Superbad but, judging from the trailer, it looks to have potential.

(Check out Adventureland's official website.)

These Pretzels Are Makin' Me Thirsty

Serenity now! Serenity now!

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Bruno: Like Borat, Only Funnier?

I've got a feeling this trailer doesn't even begin to hint at how funny this flick could be.

And I quote, "I ain't neither one of 'em. I'm Donnie."

Sort of Like Breast Milk for Grown Men

And lesbians.

If this product doesn't define the Funktards then nothing does. Hell, it fits our slogan perfectly. (See it up there under 'Funktards'?)

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April Fools

Yeah. We were just fuckin' with you. 

You didn't really think we were changing our targeted demographic, did you? That would just be silly and no fun at all.

Family-friendly? Tell her that:

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Top 5 Cereal Mascots

Not all successful breakfast cereals are the same. They don't all have a cool toy prize inside the box. Or sugar coating. Or rainbow-shaped marshmallows.

They do, however, have one thing in common: a highly-recognizable mascot. 

A great mascot is a key factor in the success of a breakfast cereal, especially in the 4 year old to 10 year old demographic. Think about it. When you were a kid, would you have even thought about eating a corn puff that only vaguely resembled a "T" if Mr. T hadn't been on the box? I know I wouldn't have. 

Let's face it, without a likable cartoon character of some sort promoting a cereal, it's destined to fail. That's why I spent hours and hours of research compiling a list of what I believe to be the best of the best, the "Top 5 Cereal Mascots."

5. Trix Rabbit. You have to feel sorry for this guy. For years and years, all he's ever wanted is a bowl of cereal. Is that too much to ask? Yet, all those evil kids just keep taunting and laughing at him. "Silly Rabbit. Trix are for kids," they chuckle. One of these days he'll starve to death and then they'll be sorry. Better yet, he'll unload on them with a shotgun and they'll be even more sorry. (That wasn't family-friendly.)

4. Toucan Sam. This dude is way underrated when it comes to cereal mascots. His colorful appearance makes him appealing to young kids, and his demeanor keeps him appealing to those same kids as they get older. Seriously, Fruit Loops aren't even that good, yet they're still one of the most popular cereals thanks to the hard work of this colorful character. Plus, he can find a bowl of Fruit Loops no matter where it's hidden just by following his nose because it always knows.

3. Lucky the Leprechaun. First of all, let me just say that Lucky Charms is the best cereal ever. Period. So, Lucky's job is automatically a bit easier based on that fact. However, he earns his spot on this list through his ability to adapt to change. They're always changing things up with the Lucky Charms marshmallows, whether they're bringing in a new one, getting rid of an old one, or just combining two existing ones, yet Lucky continues to insist that they're "Magically Delicious." And, of course, he's right.

2. Cap'n Crunch. It could be argued that Cap'n Crunch deserves the top spot on this list. While most cereal mascots promote one or two cereals during their career, the Cap'n has been the spokesman for OVER 10! This old dude obviously stays quite busy. Not to mention, he'll travel to the center of the Earth to ensure the crunchiness of Cap'n Crunch cereal. That's dedication.

1. Tony the Tiger. This guy is perhaps the most well-known of all cereal mascots, and with good reason. For over 50 years, Tony has been convincing people to buy what are essentially generic Corn Flakes covered in sugar. He's done this by calling them Frosted Flakes and making us believe "They're Grrrrrrreat!" Simply put, Tony the Tiger is a con-artist. But, he's so good at it that no one even notices. That, my friends, is grrrrrreatness.

Packer Kitty

Proof of the format change:

There's no way I'd be posting a pic of a kitty supporting the Packers if we weren't trying to appeal to everybody. God knows anything to do with the Packers sure as hell heck ain't appealing to me.

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The Funktards They Are a-Changin'

Recently, over a couple of Orange Faygo sodas, Duke and I had a little chat about the future of Funktards.com. During its relatively young existence in the blogosphere, we believe Funktards has provided more than a few laughs as well as many "oooohs" and "ahhhhhs."

But, we've had to accept the fact that boobs and beer just aren't for everyone. In order to take our colossal internet celebrity to new heights, we're going to have to make ourselves more accessible to a more diverse and bigger audience.

So, as of today, we will be leaning toward a family-friendly approach to blogging. No longer will we be posting beer-inspired ramblings or pictures of barely-clothed chicks women. References to Star Wars and comic books are a thing of the past. And any films or television shows discussed will be rated PG or G.

We look forward to the future of Funktards and sincerely hope that you all remain with us during this transition. We promise that things will be just as fun and interesting around here as they've always been, so please be patient with us as we all get accustomed to this new direction.

And remember: All you need is love. Love is all you need.

Peace be with you,

Duke & Dalton, The Funktards

P.S. - Just to make the transition a bit smoother, let's make the Sith more approachable with Pastel Ani:

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