Go Visit These Blogs As Well!

It's time again for our weekly shout-out to five of our 'Funktarded Friends'. I know I sound like a broken iPod but remember that some of these links might have some kickass NSFW content. If you're allergic to NSFW content and happen to break out in hives after visiting one of these links, we can't be held responsible because we did warn you.

These links were taken randomly straight from our blogroll. If your blog is featured here and you don't like free publicity, just let us know and it will be removed. If your blog isn't featured here, don't think we're overlooking you. We do literally choose these at random and, sooner or later, all of our 'Funktarded Friends' will be featured.

Enjoy.

VE's Fantastical Nonsense

nonamedufus

Scott's Tip Of The Day

Blame It On The Voices

Steven Humour

Degg Damn

McGoo introduced me to Jakki Degg over at Aardvarks & Asshats. I later bumped into her at SOYLENT GREEN hanging out with cbullitt. Naturally, I invited her to drop by sometime and, as you can see, she has taken me up on the offer.

Between you and me, even though I've only known her for a short period of time, I think I might love her.

Seriously, how have I not discovered this chick before now? She is smokin' hot. By the way, it's very possible that the Internet is hiding some even 'better' pics of her out there somewhere. I'm just sayin'.

The Kingpin

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Let's Get It On

I wonder if the dog seduced the duck to the soulful sound of Marvin Gaye before making his move. Regardless, I'd really hate to see the spawn of this unorthodox union. (Image via)

Hmm. Now that I think about it, their offspring would likely bear a slight resemblance to the duck-billed platypus. What do you think? The product of a steamy night of unbridled dog-on-duck passion or God's sense of humor at work?

Then again, forget about the platypus. I think this little guy might be spot on. Minus the bun, of course. (Image via)

Advantage, Hayek

see more Lol Celebs

Lego in Concert

Flavor Flav

Jimi Hendrix

Village People

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Star Wars: Episode 5.5 - The Phantom Photos

"Don't be too proud of this photo booth you've constructed. The ability to take a picture is insignificant next to the power of the ... stop fuckin' with me, you bastards!" -- Darth Vader

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A Comedian Died Last Night, Charlie Brown

Good grief, Charlie Brown! Put that thing away!

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In Your Face, Wii Fit!

The Nintendo Wii, especially Wii Fit, makes no sense to me. Exercise with video games? WTF?

Video games are supposed to be about relaxing and being lazy. If you want to get some physical exercise in, playing a video game ain't the way to do it. For Christ sakes, go outside and throw a football around or do some jogging!

I'm not sure why Nintendo wants to destroy the essence of video games and the laziness that it represents, but I will not allow it to happen! Instead of jumping around and flailing my arms with a Wii Remote in my hand, I'll stick to sitting perfectly still while holding an XBox 360 controller. 

That'll show 'em.

(On a side note, I still can't wait until May 18th when the new Punch-Out!! is released on Wii.)

As for Wii Fit, I think this is more up my alley:

 

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Heroes in a Half-Shell. Turtle Power!

Cowabunga!

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From In-a-Box to On-a-Rooftop

Check out the full article. It makes Superbad Seth's childhood obsession seem a bit uninspired.

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Super Nintoaster

I always knew that a toaster had to have something else going for it other than the fact that it could turn bread brown. It just seemed so useless because, let's face it, burning a slice of bread just isn't a very impressive function when compared to the more important tasks of other kitchen appliances. 

But, it would seem that the toaster may be more useful than I previously realized. Through the magic of the Internet, I've discovered the secret hidden power of the toaster.

What is that hidden power? It can play video games, of course.

Yes. That is, indeed, a Super Nintendo inside a toaster. Crazy, huh? If you're skeptical about whether it actually works, this video should dispel those doubts.

You can view more images and read all about the Super Nintoaster at StupidFingers.com. Also, be sure to browse around the site while you're there to find other cool-ass mods made by the same dude. Who knows? You might even stumble across an original Nintoaster. (Any idea what that one might be?) 

(Source: StupidFingers.com)

Know When To Hold 'Em

As I've mentioned before, poker rules should be rewritten to include one stating that there must always be a hot, half-naked chick laying on the table. Wonder if the casinos would go for it.

Go Visit These Blogs Also!

Once again, it's time to plug a few of our 'Funktarded Friends'. Don't forget that some of these blogs might have some NSFW content. I suggest checking them out anyway, whether you're at work or not. However, if you get fired for looking at questionable content at work, you can't blame us because you were warned.

Remember, we literally choose these blogs at random from our blogroll. Also, if you don't see a link to your blog on here, it's not because you're being overlooked. I promise we'll get around to featuring everyone at some point or another. And lastly, if you happen to see a link to your blog on this list and don't want the free publicity, please let us know and it will promptly be removed. 

As always, enjoy.

Unfinished Rambler

The Shark Tank

The Mind of Spaz

Phil's Phun

Tri-ops

BEST. CAKE. EVER.

All your cake are belong to us.

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Punch-Out!! Is Coming To Wii

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! was always, and continues to be, one of my favorite games on the original Nintendo Entertainment System. To this day, I can still pick up a controller and kick Tyson's ass without even breaking a digital sweat. If that's not proof enough of my love for this game, the 10-digit numeric code to skip straight to 'Iron' Mike remains etched in my memory: 007 373 5963. (And yes, I did legitimately remember that without having to Google it.)

And now, Nintendo is bringing this classic back. On May 18, the next-gen version of Punch-Out!! will be released on the Wii -- sans Tyson, of course. Who needs Tyson, though, when King Hippo and Glass Joe will be returning? Right?

The reason I'm bringing all of this up is because Nintendo dropped a new trailer for this game earlier today. Simply put, it looks fuckin' awesome.

I'm seriously pumped for this game now, and I don't even have a Wii! Anybody wanna let me borrow theirs around May 18? Duke? Anyone?

(Trailer courtesy of Dailymotion.)

Where'd You Go, Pauly Shore?

A few weeks ago, Pauly Shore's name happened to get mentioned during my 'Babes of Watchmen' post. As I stated at the time, that passing reference to Pauly gave me an idea. And this, my friends, is the product of that idea.

In a new series here at Funktards.com entitled "Where'd You Go?", we'll be taking a look at celebrities (or semi-celebrities) that may have fallen out of the public eye over the years. We could discuss anyone from former reality TV personalities who ran out of their 15 minutes of fame to once chart-topping musicians who could never put together another hit album.

Today, however, the subject of the premiere edition of "Where'd You Go?" will be the same man who inspired it. So, without further ado ...

Where'd you go, Pauly Shore?

How we know him:

In the early 90s, he was the host of Totally Pauly on MTV.

He starred in a string of barely-funny comedy flicks throughout the 90s.

He coined the annoying catchphrase "Bud-dy."

Where he went:

After the aforementioned string of unsuccessful films and a failed attempt at a sitcom, Shore largely faded out of the spotlight in the late 90s. He did, however, continue doing his stand-up comedy act across the country, while making sporadic television appearances and doing some voice acting work in a few animated films.

In 2003, he attempted to revitalize his career with the film Pauly Shore is Dead. I wonder how that worked out for him.

Where he should've went:

He should've asked Encino Man co-stars Sean Astin and Brendan Fraser to get him some work. Who knows? Pauly might've made an excellent mummy or an even better Smeagol. "We wants the precious, Bud-dy."

(Information: IMDB.com)

Rooming with Chuck Norris, Jr.

Spinning Pole Kick To The Ball - Watch more Funny Videos

The One About Drapes & Carpets

If they match, she gets a chapter in Duke Van Damme's "Chronicles of Pervia."


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Power of the Dark Side

Shawn from The Shark Tank commented that 'Pimp Daddy Vader' is reason #212 of "Why Sith Are Greater Than Jedi." To follow up on that statement, after hours and hours of intense research on the subject, I think I might've found reason #213.

While Luke was hovering around in that shitty Landspeeder, Vader and company were rollin' in style. Advantage: Dark Side.

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Hellgirl

I vote they make another Hellboy sequel. They should call it Hellgirl, and it should star this chick. She just looks so much sexier in this costume than Ron Perlman does.

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Round Mounds of Grass Shaped Like ...

This clip is from Role Models. It just kind of seemed like it belonged here at Funktards.com. By the way, if you haven't seen this flick, definitely do so. It's hilarious.

An Important Lesson on Boobs - Watch more Funny Videos

Pimp Daddy Vader

With this recruiting strategy, he might've drawn Luke over to the Dark Side and changed the fate of the galaxy. That's the power of cleavage, friends.

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Ladies Love Cool Abe

Rumor has it that Abraham Lincoln was the first choice to play the part of Turbo in Breakin' and its sequel, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Unfortunately, Lincoln had been assassinated some 119 years earlier and was unable to accept the role.

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I'm All In

If it were up to me, there'd always be hot, scantily-clad chicks laying on the poker table. Of course, concentration would likely go right out the window.

Doppelgangers ... Sort Of

I borrowed these from Totally Looks Like. This is just a small sample of their collection of hundreds. Be sure to head on over and check them out when you leave here. Also, the inspiration for this post came from Woosk.com.

Replace the ukulele with an umbrella and it's spot on:

Seriously, from the first time I saw the pic of that puppy, I've always thought it looked like Jack Black:

The character of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force has to be based on Dennis Franz. The resemblance is uncanny:

I think this one speaks for itself:

And, Duke, you know what they say about Italy? It really does:

Loads more at TotallyLooksLike.com.

The REAL Universal Remote

I've gotta get me one of these.

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Go Visit These Blogs Too!

Just like last week, here's a list of a few blogs that I check out quite regularly. Remember that there could be some NSFW content found on some of these. So, if you see a nipple or something and get offended, don't blame me because I gave you fair warning. I'd hope a nipple wouldn't offend any of you anyway.

By the way, if you happen to see your blog on this list and don't like the free publicity, please let us know and it will be promptly removed. Also, if you don't see your blog on here, it's not because you're being overlooked. I'm just choosing 5 'Funktarded Friends' at random.

Anyway, enjoy.

Amy Oops

Mostly Safe For Work

Androids and Electric Sheep

Ruining the Internet

Aardvarks & Asshats - The Snarking

Beer Makes Friends

At the end of the day, even Mario and Donkey Kong can enjoy a beer together. This proves that one day beer will be responsible for world peace ... then the next day everybody will go back to hurling barrels and fireballs at each other.

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Uhh ... errr, No ... Size Doesn't Matter

Despite what your girlfriend tells you, size does matter. 

I'm sure this product is very disheartening for lots of guys.

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We Got HGTV-Type Skills Yo

I ask you, could there be a more perfect companion piece to Dalton's Beer Fridge?



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Won a New Car You Have Not

This was a dirty, dirty trick. But it's still funny as hell and quite creative. 

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Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

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Iron Man Just Got Sexy

No, not Iron Man himself. I didn't suddenly develop an attraction to iron-clad dudes ... or any dudes, for that matter. I'm still the same breast-obsessed, babe-loving Funktard I've always been.

I'm referring to the movie, Iron Man 2. The reason for this newfound sexiness: Scarlett Johansson.

According to reports, Johansson signed a deal on Wednesday afternoon to join the all-star cast of Iron Man 2, the sequel to last year's mega-hit, Iron Man.

She will portray Black Widow, a role that had originally went to Emily Blunt. Scheduling conflicts with Gulliver's Travels forced Blunt to drop out of the superhero sequel, leaving the door open for Johansson to step in.

You know what that means? Anyone? Anyone?

It means Scarlett Johansson in a Black Widow costume! If I can steal a phrase from my fellow Funktard, Duke ... OMFG! (It also means I have a reason to post a hot-ass Scarlett Johansson pic.)

Scarlett has a body that just won't quit, not to mention she's got a spectacular set of boobs. (Yeah. I said spectacular.) So, seeing her don a tight leather Black Widow costume will be a thing of beauty. If that's not something to look forward to, I don't know what is. 

Fuckin' awesome news.

In another quick note of interest regarding Iron Man 2, Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke also joined the cast on Wednesday. These two round out a stacked cast list that already included Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Sam Rockwell, Paul Bettany, Samuel L. Jackson and, of course, Robert Downey Jr. 

I was looking forward to this flick before. Now I can't fuckin' wait for it.

(Information from: Yahoo! Movies)

Look! Up in the Sky!

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's Superman's fine-ass, busty cousin, Supergirl!

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Here's a Hayden, There's a Hayden

A bit of unsolicited advice: You're gonna want to click on this one for the high-res view.
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I Am Jack's Illuminated Glowstick

via The One Letter Off Photoshop Contest (4)

This Will Not End Well

I'm guessing the aftermath of this was reminiscent of Biff and his gang from Back to the Future. (Manure! I hate manure!) It serves them right for driving so closely like that. The best part: it's a convertible. 

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That's Gotta Hurt

Does it completely turn your stomach when you witness some dude's leg getting snapped like a twig during a televised sporting event? Or if a knee happens to completely bend the wrong way? Or if an arm breaks and lifelessly dangles at their side? Yeah, it turns mine too.

And it's even worse when the producers start showing slow-motion replays of one of these sickening events. Of course, they show those same replays over and over and over again until it's burned into our brains. It's almost like they're trying to make us sick.

And, actually, that's kind of what I'm doing here. You see, despite my extreme dislike for watching such cringe-worthy videos, I decided to bite the bullet, scour YouTube and gather up a collection of sports-injury videos for your viewing pleasure ... or displeasure. Thoughtful, huh?

These really are quite gruesome. You've been warned so you can't hold me responsible when you blow chunks all over your keyboard. 

(Note: These are in no particular order.)

November 18, 1985. The Redskins' Joe Theismann is sacked by Lawrence Taylor, breaking his leg and ending his NFL career in the process.

December 10, 2008. Mixed martial artist Corey Hill breaks his leg in a fight against Dale Hartt at UFC: Fight for the Troops.

September 5, 1994. Raiders runningback Napoleon McCallum suffers a career ending knee injury during Monday Night Football when he's twisted to the ground by San Francisco's Ken Norton.

August 13, 2008. Hungarian weightlifter Janos Baranyai completely dislocates his elbow during the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. 

January 14, 2001. Then-WCW wrestler Sid Vicious snaps his leg during a match against Scott Steiner.

January 3, 2003. During the Fiesta Bowl, Willis McGahee's knee is badly injured by a hit from Will Allen.

Watching those was like a big ol' kick in the nuts, huh? I warned you.

Go Visit These Blogs Now!

I had a couple of things to write about tonight but, due to the fact that I fell asleep shortly after work, I never got around to it. I know! I know! I'm a lazy bum. 

Anyway, I thought I'd supply you with links to a few blogs that I check out on a frequent basis. I can guarantee you'll find quite a few laughs. By the way, some of the content might be NSFW ... which makes it even more awesome! 

Enjoy.

Knuckledraggin My Life Away

I Hate My Cubicle

The HumorSmith Chronicle

Weekly Sports Bloopers and the Unusuals

I Have Seen the Whole of the Internet

I think I might start doing a post like this on a weekly basis. With different 'Funktarded Friends' featured, of course.

On Making Jack Handey Look Like Fred Rogers

"Kids love jokes. So one day, I told my 7-year-old nephew that I would take him to Disney World. Instead, I drove him to a burned out warehouse and said, "Uh-oh, Disney World burned down." He cried and cried, but deep down, I bet he thought it was pretty funny." ~ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

A couple of weekends ago, I had a hankering for a Tour of Italy, so I decided to make a trip down to the local Olive Garden for dinner. Little did I know the evening's excursion would leave me promoting a tour of the Ten Courts of Hell (and other assorted attractions) for an ignorant-assed restaurant patron and her offspring.

Before I get into the details, let me just say that I love Olive Garden. I mean, c'mon, free salad and breadsticks? This unfortunate event could have taken place in any restaurant, any business, any public place. This experience just happened to go down in the O.G.

So, anyway, I'm just about to start twirling up some grub when I hear it. Actually, I didn't hear it as much as it launched an all-out assault on my eardrums and on those of everyone else in the restaurant. It sounded like a bunch of kittens, a bunch of kittens wearing all-steel-wool kitten jumpsuits and lapel microphones while chasing a toy mouse around a box made of chalkboard with the microphones wired through Kirk Hammett's stack of Randall Amplifiers. With the volume turned all the fucking way up. Only louder.

"It" was the sound of a preschool-age kid's scream, and it brought everything in the entire restaurant to a complete and total fucking stop. Forks stopped half-way to mouth. The fat guy in the bathroom stopped peeing mid-stream. Water stopped boiling in the kitchen. And everyone turned to look at the kid's table.

As life's demand for oxygen would allow, the screams kept coming. It sounded like Axl Rose was fist-raping Kid Rock in the dining room.

And the only people who didn't seem to notice? The kid's mom and her friend. Sitting not two feet from the source of these kidney-quaking shrieks, these two ladies seemed as oblivious as Clay Aiken at the Playboy Mansion.

Everyone in the restaurant was forced to suffer for another 20 minutes before the two finally settled their check and headed out. Once they were gone, cheers erupted throughout the dining room. Seriously.

And so, to the ladies who didn't seem to notice junior's hellish wailing, I have a few suggestions. They're ones I'm certain my fellow restaurant goers would endorse. First of all, wake the fuck up. Ignoring that sort of behavior ain't getting the job done. Your little one may already be so discipline-depraved that even the above-referenced Jack Handey Plan wouldn't straighten him out.

So allow me to suggest a trip to Singapore's Haw Par Villa.

It's mostly outdoors, so he can shrill to his heart's content whilst simultaneously having his behavior adjusted by visiting such attractions as the Crab With Human Head, the Evil Horse With Spiked Club and, my personal favorite, Filthy Blood Pond.

If you're not skilled enough to leverage Haw Par Villia as a disciplinary strategy, then kindly keep the fuck away from my Olive Garden.

Cool Film Art

These are just too awesome. Be sure to check out Daily Art Press for loads more.

Pulp Fiction

American Psycho

Jaws

The View Askewniverse

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Babes of 'Watchmen'

As I'm sure most of you know by now, the film adaptation of DC Comics' best-selling graphic novel, Watchmen, hits theaters today. To say I've been looking forward to this movie would be a huge understatement. In fact, I've had this weekend marked on the calendar since the moment the release date was announced.

I have very high hopes for this flick and, judging from the trailers, I'm not going to be disappointed. It looks fuckin' awesome, to say the least.

I could go on and on about my thoughts on this film, the legal hoops that had to be jumped through in order to even get the movie released, box office predictions, early negative response from critics, etc. But, seriously, how boring would that be? 

Instead, I want to take a look at one of the main reasons to go see Watchmen this weekend. This is something that is definitely appreciated here at Funktards.com: the hot-ass babes.

Malin Akerman. Actress Malin Ackerman portrays superheroine Silk Spectre II, real name Laurie Juspeczyk (or Laurie Jupiter). You may recognize her as Freakshow's ready-and-willing wife in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle or from Ben Stiller's The Heartbreak Kid where she played his character's not-so-perfect wife. 

Honestly, I don't recall seeing her in anything else. Of course, she does bare her boobies in both of those films, so that likely explains why I remember her appearances so well. 

She is pretty freakin' hot though and, from what I've seen thus far, she is quite sexy in that Silk Spectre costume. I think it goes without saying that I'd do her if given the chance ... and if she asked nicely.

Carla Gugino. Yum yum. The original Silk Spectre, real name Sally Juspeczyk (or Sally Jupiter), is portrayed by Carla Gugino. Even though there's only a 7-year age difference between the actresses, Carla's character is the mother of Malin's character. The term 'milf' immediately comes to mind.

I've had a thing for this chick since way back in '93 when she co-starred opposite Pauly Shore in Son in Law. (Yeah. I just mentioned Pauly Shore. What happened to that dude anyway? Hmmm ... that gives me an idea for later.) Luckily, she hasn't been shy about showing us her goodies over the years. Who could forget Carla as Lucille, Marv's lesbian parole officer, in Sin City? Oh My Damn! 

Carla definitely does not get the recognition she deserves, but she always has been and always will be one of my favorites. She's absolutely gorgeous, and did I mention she's got a great rack?

If you didn't want to see Watchmen before, surely you do now. These two hotties are reason enough for any dude to want to run right out to the theater this weekend. The only valid excuse for not seeing it this weekend would be because you decided to stay at home and have a Carla Gugino/Malin Akerman tits marathon. And if that's the case, I'll be over as soon as I leave the theater.