Duke's Weekend To-Do List

1. Retrieve VCR from garage.
2. Remove copy of Uncommon Valor from VCR.
3. Buy marshmallows.
4. Epic win.

I'll Have a Side of Boobs With My Coffee

From time to time an idea will come along that restores a tiny amount of my faith in humanity. This is one of those times and one of those ideas.

On Monday in a small town in Maine called Vassalboro, Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened for business. Yes. You read that correctly: TOPLESS!

Donald Crabtree is the brains behind this ingenious idea of bringing coffee and naked titties together. All I can say is "In your face, Hooters!"

For now, coffee and doughnuts are the only items on the menu. Crabtree says more items will be added if business picks up. Honestly, I'd eat cheese filled with maggots hellbent on jumping into my eyeballs if it were served to me topless.

Of course, the opening of this coffee shop has ruffled a few feathers in this small Maine town. (Surprise. Surprise.) I think it would be safe to bet that these detractors are some of the same people that were scared shitless when the word "porno" appeared on their television screens during Zack and Miri Make a Fuck Movie ads last year.

I have a question for those that object to the opening of this fine establishment. If you don't want pizza, would you go eat at Pizza Hut? Probably not. With that in mind, if you don't want to see boobies, don't go to a joint where the waitresses will be showing their boobies. It's that damn simple.

Better yet, don't try to spoil all the fun for those of us who would like to enjoy some boobs with our coffee. Just stay the hell away, preferably in your little cave that you apparently live in where boobs and the word "porno" are frowned upon.

Oh, and ladies, I didn't mean to leave you out of the conversation with all this talk of boobs. Grand View Topless Coffee Shop also employees topless waiters for those of you who want to watch some man-nipples while enjoying your coffee. All they need now is someone waiting tables in a giant mouse costume for the kids, and this place will be fun for the whole family.

I wonder when they'll turn this thing into a nationwide chain. I can't wait.

(Information from: Kennebec Journal)

You're Doing It Wrong

I ... uhh ... ummm ... I really don't know what to say. Just read it and be baffled.

WTF?

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Windows Updates Suck

It always seemed like those Automatic Updates on Windows screwed up my computer in some form or fashion. It would usually take me days to get things back the way I wanted them and, sometimes, I never did get everything back to normal. I hated that computer with a passion. Thank god I'm doing all my geeking with a Mac these days.

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You Know What'd Be Awesome? If Her Name Were 'Eve.'

I'm ashamed to admit that the phrase "OMG" just came across my lips. I never, ever say "OMG." I mean, that's just a dumb-shit thing for any self-respecting adult male to say. It's childish, even.



I totally meant to say "OMFG."

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The Beer Fridge

I WILL have one of these. Oh yes, I will.

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Dinosaurs and Robots Doing What???

During my late night surfing of the humorous side of the Internet, I kept running across links to this site. I finally decided to take a look and the following pic (amongst numerous others) is what I found. Funny shit, to say the least.

I definitely advise taking a look if you're into robot/dinosaur erotica. What am I saying? We're all into robot/dinosaur erotica. Aren't we?

View more here.

(Above pic illustrated by: Scott Gairdner.)

Free Hugs?

I want one. Or two. Or twenty since they're free.

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It's Showtime!

Can't you just picture Betelgeuse saying this to the Joker? After all, he is the ghost with the most, babe.

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Battle of the Oscars

With it being Oscar weekend, you probably took one look at the title of this post and immediately assumed I'm going to be giving my predictions for Sunday's awards or maybe even reviewing some of the nominated films and performances. That would actually be a decent guess, but it would also be an incorrect one.

Instead, we're going to have a battle for "Oscar" supremacy between two media icons. The contenders: Oscar the gold statuette and Oscar the Grouch.

You all know Oscar the the gold statuette as the little guy standing on a black platform who is given to Academy Award winners each year. Oscar the Grouch is the grumpy green dude from Sesame Street that we all grew up with.

Let's face it, the Grouch that we all know and love just doesn't get the "Oscar" recognition that he deserves, especially during awards season. So, I'm going to take an objective look at the lives of each of these famous "Oscars" and, in the end, it should be clear which reigns supreme.

Let's start with living arrangements. I think it's safe to say that Oscar the Grouch's dwellings are less than stellar. Dude lives in a garbage can, for Christ sakes! As for Oscar the statue, he can usually be found lounging on the mantle of a multi-million dollar mansion. Advantage: the statue.

While we're on the subject of living arrangements, let's discuss their roommate situations. First of all, our beloved Grouch shares his home with a worm named Slimy and an elephant named Fluffy. However, the statue typically lives with a rich, A-list celebrity. Oftentimes this celebrity is very easy on the eyes. Advantage: the statue.

"Easy on the eyes" is a nice segue into my next comparison. Oscar the Grouch is green, and it's a dirty shade of green at that. (Useless trivia: Did you know that Oscar was originally orange?) The statue is gold. Actually, if you wanna get technical, it's gold-plated britannium, but you get the picture. Advantage: the statue.

Who has the coolest entourage? Well, the Grouch frequently hangs out with a blue monster who has a cookie addiction and a giant yellow pigeon ... although I get the feeling that he's not very fond of either of them. The gold statue can often be seen at parties surrounded by many beautiful people, some of which have their own addictions. Advantage: the Grouch -- I like cookies.

Age is a source of confusion in regards to both. The Grouch was first introduced to the public in November of 1969, some 39 years ago. However, during a guest appearance on NBC's now-cancelled 1 vs. 100 last year, Oscar stated that he is and always has been 43 years old. (I assume Grouches don't age.) As for the statue, even though Sunday's show is the 81st Annual Academy Awards, the statue wasn't given the name "Oscar" until sometime during the 1930s, with conflicting accounts of exactly when and how this name came to be. Advantage: neither -- both are a damn clusterfuck.

So, there you have it. In my mind, it's quite obvious who the winner is here. Oscar the Grouch is clearly superior to Oscar the statuette. He's been instrumental in teaching generations of youngsters how to count and read ... and how to be a grumpy asshole. You just can't get that from a gold-plated piece of metal.

The Coup de Grâce of Xzibit Jokes

Yo dawg, this is where it ends ...


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College Humor's Honest Movie Titles: Oscar Edition

View more Honest Movie Titles: Oscar Edition at College Humor

An Open Letter to Chris Brown

Chris,

You were never Michael Jackson.

We'd imagine there was a conversation once, likely very early on in your career, when someone (probably wearing an expensive suit) said, "Hip-hop is an over-crowded genre, Chris. Besides, you're easy on the eyes and have a nice-enough voice. What's more, you're a talented dancer ... <dramatic pause> ... you know, Michael's pedophilia issue has obliterated his career ... <sly smile> ... I know exactly how we're going to make you a star."

Of course, that's purely uneducated speculation on our part. We don't even fucking watch Entourage. Doesn't matter really, it's all beside the point of this letter any way.

If the allegations against you hold true (and we haven't seen anyone in an expensive suit try to address the situation), then you have reached the pinnacle of douchebaggery.

Let's take a step back and assume you've never heard of us. Hell, we'd bet a year's salary on it, each. If you peruse this young blog, you'll find 'The Funktards' enjoy the female form and do not hesitate to publicly rejoice in all its glory. Tastes might be offended, but it's all in good fun ... and our appreciation for women couldn't be more sincere.

Again, if you are guilty, then you should consider this a bigmutha-effin' digital pimp slap with your ordinary-ass name all over it. Sorry if we forgot to remove our pinky rings.

Unfortunately, abuse against women happens far too frequently, and we at Funktards believe that your celebrity status could actually prove beneficial in the event of a conviction. You could serve as an example for a generation of would-be abusers.

It should come as little surprise to you when we say we've put some thought into how your sentence might be carried out. Here's a hint: it involves some Deebo-lookin' cellmate with nymphomania who likes it rough and enjoys tossed greens at least twice daily.

Of course, we'd wish that fate upon any brainless taint-munch who would resort to physical violence against a woman. But, in your case, we'd hope Deebo would make you dance for him while he laughed at you, you Ike-Turner-assed bastard.

Furthermore, we'd hope that HBO would make a fucking documentary about it called "Who's Bad?"

With complete and unfettered sincerity in the event of a conviction in a court of law,

The Funktards

And in this Corner ... the Badass Referee!

This referee is not to be fucked with, as dude quickly found out via an Undertaker-esque chokeslam. Let this be a lesson to all you wannabe fighters out there -- never, EVER push the ref. If you do, he WILL make you his bitch. Just ask this dude.

Fear and Loathing in the Mushroom Kingdom

We can't stop here. This is Donkey Kong Country!

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Escobar and Filipe, They Had a Plan

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Hot Momma

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The Soundtrack to My Valentine's Day

Bom-chicka-bow-wow ...

Valentine's Day Dos and Don'ts

The heat is on. We're merely hours away from Valentine's Day, and you're still putting the final touches on the big day with your significant other. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if many of you haven't even put the first touch on your big day yet. Damn procrastinators. 

You better pick up the pace, because before you know it, you'll be staring your girlfriend in the face offering her nothing more than the flowers you just picked from her own front yard and maybe one of those plastic rings from the crane machine at Walmart. While you're at it, you might as well throw in a candlelight dinner courtesy of Domino's. 

How the hell did you end up getting yourself into this mess? You should've had the entire day planned out days, even weeks, ago. Maybe those countless hours of playing Call of Duty should've been spent preparing for Valentine's Day instead. You should be ashamed.

Nah. I'm just fuckin' with you.

In reality, you probably should've pulled a stunt that I've been known to pull on more than a few occasions -- just get rid of any chick(s) you might be dating as soon as February rolls around and completely avoid this money sucking holiday altogether. Quick note: this also works for Christmas and birthdays. (All of our female readers just instantly labeled me as a jerk.)

However, it might be a little too late for that now, and even I don't condone dumping someone on Valentine's Day. (See. I'm not a complete cold-hearted bastard.)

So, to help you climb out of the hole that you've managed to dig yourself into, I've come up with a few suggestions that might get you back on track ... or they might dig you into an even deeper hole. 

In either case, I bring you "Dalton's Dos and Don'ts: Valentine's Day Edition." Creative, huh?

First of all, the "Dos":

• We've already discussed this one, but I'll reiterate it here. If it's some chick that you've only been dating briefly, DO get rid of her before Valentine's Day sneaks up on you. However, tread carefully if you've been dating her for an extended amount of time.
• DO get her a heart-shaped box full of chocolates. There's a good chance she'll offer you part of them. When this happens, eat as many of them as possible, essentially making it a gift for both of you. 
• DO hold open doors for her. You're already going thru the same door anyway, so you might as well hold it open for an extra second. (Again, I'm not a complete asshole.)
  
• DO drink beer ... and lots of it. This advice should be followed daily, though.
• DO bring condoms. It's Valentine's Day, which means she's definitely giving it up tonight.
  

And now, the "Don'ts":

• DON'T buy flowers. They're just gonna die in a few days anyway. It's a waste of money.
  
• DON'T say some other chick's name while you're doing the horizontal mambo. This spells disaster.
• DON'T get shot by Cupid. Whose idea was it for him to go around shooting arrows at people anyway? Those damn things hurt.
• DON'T go to some fancy restaurant expecting to get in. You waited until the last minute, dummy. You've got to make reservations for that type of thing. Not that I'd advise going to a fancy-shmancy restaurant anyway when you can get better food for half the price elsewhere.
• And most importantly, DON'T listen to me! I really have no idea what I'm talking about.

Have a happy Valentine's Day.

I hope you get lucky.

We Want Beer

We want beer, but I'm sure you've already figured that out by now.

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It's Friday the 13th! Oh no!

Today is February 13. On top of that, it's also Friday. Uh-oh! It's Friday the 13th! Scary, huh?

If you're into all that superstitious mumbo-jumbo, you've probably been waiting around all day for your boss to fire you or for an anvil to fall on your head. After all, this is Friday the 13th, the unluckiest of all days. 

However, in 1980, the term 'Friday the 13th' took on an entirely new meaning with the theatrical release of the original Friday the 13th. This film is recognized as a classic in the horror genre but, more importantly, it helped spawn the phenomenon known as 'The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.' (Kevin Bacon is the bomb, yo!)

Friday the 13th was also followed by 10 sequels, the most recent being Freddy vs. Jason, making it arguably the most successful horror movie franchise of all-time. I guess what came next was inevitable: a remake. 

This has become on ongoing trend in Hollywood over recent years. Many of the classic horror movies that scared the shit out of us as kids are now being given the remake treatment, usually to the dismay of hardcore fans.

I'll be honest, I actually enjoyed Rob Zombie's Halloween remake a few years back, although I know I'm in the minority. As for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, other than Jessica Biel (yum yum), not so much. The Hills Have Eyes, Dawn of the Dead, and other classics have also been remade in the last few years with varying degrees of success.

And today, appropriately on Friday the 13th, we can add Friday the 13th to that list. 

Yes. Jason Voorhees will once again be slicing and dicing his way across the silver screen when the new Friday the 13th flick hits theaters today. Reportedly, this film will cover events from Parts 1-3 of the original series.

And, not surprisingly, this remake has already gained its fair share of detractors. Go figure.

I'm not going to defend the film because I've yet to see it and won't be doing so until Sunday. Judging from the trailer, though, I actually think it looks pretty badass. Will it be? I'm not going to get my hopes up. One thing it's definitely got going for it: BOOBIES! You know how much the Funktards love some boobies. 

But don't just listen to me. Take a look at the trailer, which I've conveniently provided, and judge for yourself:

Truthfully, I'm still not completely sold on this whole idea of horror movie remakes, or the remaking of any film for that matter. It just seems that either originality in Hollywood is a lost art form these days, or they just want to make a quick buck based on nostalgia. I'm assuming it's a bit of both. 

Regardless, I'm still going to give this movie a fair chance, and I'd hope that most of you will as well. After all, it's got boobies in it!

Hey, Man, Nice Shot

I saw a skin flick like this once ... except the paintball gun was a penis, the guy with the soda can was a really hot chick, and the paintball was made of love dough.

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up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start

They sure as hell didn't make Nintendo controllers like this when I was a kid.

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Best. Heckler. Ever.

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Beer Bottle Dominoes

That must've been one helluva party the night before. I wonder if they go through this process every time somebody wants to funnel a beer.

'Cause Mario Got Swagger, Yo

A Lesson in Tit-E-Conomics

Once every three generations or so, mankind accomplishes a feat theretofore thought beyond the realm of science.

Sheyla Hershey is the new feat, and in this instance, a Brazilian plastic surgeon represents mankind.

You see, Sheyla -- ever-willing to test the boundaries of physics, gravity and pretty much any fabric she wears -- just snagged Guiness' record for Tiggest Ol' Bitties, 38 KKK to be exact. Some might drool, others might laugh and, yes, some might even be disgusted. She's got no need for the haters, though, and here's why:

Those one-gallon puppies can get her through the roughest of economies.

The droolers already pay to see ta-ta's on a frequent basis. The laughers pay to see 'em one or two times a year. But luscious loveglobes bigger than any in the history of mankind? Most everyone's going to pay to see those, at least once. Even the haters.

I smell a strip-club tour in the offing.

Class dismissed.

I Want Porno

I had been anxiously awaiting this past Tuesday since I found out that Zack and Miri Make a Porno would drop on DVD that day. Being a huge Kevin Smith fan, I made sure I caught this flick during its opening weekend in theaters, and I wasn't disappointed at all. It was full of smart, witty dialogue, likeable characters, and a believable enough story ... as Kevin Smith's work always is. And best of all, it had BOOBS! 

So, I took a trip to the local Walmart on Tuesday afternoon to grab a copy. Once there, I made my way toward the back of the store where the electronics section is found, and sure enough there it was: an entire shelf of Zack and Miri DVDs ... all of which were conveniently missing the words "Make a Porno."

I'll be honest. I half expected this to happen. There was quite a bit of uproar over the title back when the film was about to be released in theaters. Apparently the word "porno" is a "dirty word," and a number of people were uncomfortable watching it appear on their television screens during commercial spots for the movie. This, of course, resulted in many of the commercials being edited to remove this filthy word from the movie title. Many newspapers also refused to run ads for the film with or without the complete title. And a few theaters even refused to screen the movie altogether.

Sadly, this uproar contributed to subpar box office numbers for what could have, and should have, been a big money maker for The Weinstein Company. Rumor has it that the Weinsteins gave this movie the greenlight based on the title alone ... the same title that would get practically banned as the movie neared its release date.

After such a fuss was put up about the title before its theatrical release, it was only natural that this would carry over to the DVD release as well. Leaving this part of the title out is for the greater good of mankind. Right? After all, what kind of world would we be living in if the word "porno" was allowed to be used in a movie title. In fact, I probably need to quit saying "that word" here, otherwise they'll be coming in here trying to censor this post. So, to keep them off my back, I'll be referring to the flick as Zack and Miri Make a Fuck Movie for the remainder of this writing.

As you've probably figured out by now, I wasn't at all happy about what I found, or didn't find, when I visited Walmart on Tuesday and, accordingly, I left the store without even purchasing a copy of the DVD. I ran into the same problem when I went to Target the next day, which I fully expected after my failed Walmart trip. Finally, on my third attempt, Best Buy came through for me. Their version of the DVD had the complete title and, thanks to them, Zack and Miri Make a Fuck Movie is now a part of my movie collection.

Why am I making such a big deal out of a few little words? It's the same reason I only buy widescreen movies: That's the way the movie was originally meant to be. It's that simple.

As for the DVD itself, I highly recommend picking it up if you haven't done so already. Kevin Smith and the guys at View Askew are known for putting together some kick-ass DVDs. Look no further than the Clerks: 10th Anniversary and the Mallrats: 10th Anniversary DVDs for proof of this. And, as expected, they did a great job with Zack and Miri Make a Fuck Movie as well.

It contains 2 discs. Obviously, the movie is on the first disc, but along with that comes 43 deleted and extended scenes. Yes, 43 extra scenes! "Wow!" was my first reaction also. The second disc includes loads of behind-the-scenes featurettes, such as a "Making Of", outtakes and bloopers, and an improv battle between Seth Rogen and Justin Long (definitely worth a watch), amongst other cool shit. 

Like I said before, if you don't already have this DVD, head out to Best Buy and pick it up. I can almost guarantee that you won't be disappointed. In fact, if you are disappointed then there's something wrong with you that only years and years of therapy will straighten out. OR you're one of those people that got scared shitless when you saw the word "porno" on your television screen. Either way, you fail.

Quick, Hand Her Another Pitcher

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The Possibilities

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Super Bowl XLIII: Troy Polamalu is Mean

Super Bowl XLIII is now in the books, which means that one subject will likely dominate water cooler conversations across the country on Monday. The 100-yard interception return for a touchdown by James Harrison to end the first half? Doubtful. The comeback from a 13-point deficit by the Cardinals to take a momentary 3-point lead? Not likely. How about Santonio Holmes barely dragging both feet in bounds for what proved to be the game-winning touchdown? Probably not. The Super Bowl commercials? DEFINITELY!

Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch but, let's face it, the Super Bowl ads always get their fair share of discussion, and this year will be no different. After all, these companies paid $3 million for a 30-second spot. For that reason alone, they deserve at least a water cooler mention.

In my eyes, though, this year's crop of Super Bowl commercials might not have been quite as memorable as many from years past. We all still remember the Budweiser frogs, Michael Jordan and Larry Bird's friendly game of "horse" and, unfortunately, the annoying "Wassssuuupppp!!!" phenomenon. But I don't think any of this year's batch will stick in our memories like those, and countless others, have over the years.

There were, however, a few that stood out above the rest, in my opinion. That being said, I bring you "Dalton's 5 Favorite Super Bowl XLIII Commercials":

5. E*Trade: Broken Wings - Even though there's been a shitload of these E*Trade "talking baby" commercials, they continue to crack me up for some reason. His friend breaking out "Broken Wings" was freakin' hilarious.

4. Pepsi: Bob Dylan/will.i.am - What a strange pairing, but it worked. I really enjoyed this one.

3. Coca-Cola: The Heist - The one where the insects stole dude's Coke. Excellent.

2. Hulu: Alec in Huluwood - So, Alec Baldwin is actually an alien. Does that mean the entire Baldwin family is from another planet? I knew it all along.

1. Coke Zero: "Mean" Troy Polamalu - This was a parody of the "Mean" Joe Greene Coca-Cola commercial from 1979. I think the nostalgia factor is what moved it up to my Number 1 spot.

Barely missing the "Top 5" was the Doritos "crystal ball" commercial. I had a decent laugh over that one. You'll also notice that I didn't include any movie trailers, although both Fast & Furious and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen look awesome. And no Budweiser Clydesdales made my list either because, quite frankly, I'm getting sick of them. Bring back the aforementioned frogs, Budweiser!

Needless to say, I was less than impressed by this year's ads, otherwise it would've been a "Top 10" instead of a "Top 5." At least the Super Bowl game itself was entertaining though.

By the way, when you get finished here, be sure to check out Hulu and vote for your favorite Super Bowl XLIII commercial.

You Want a Toe? I Can Get You a Toe, Believe Me, Mike.

Via Same Actor, Wrong Role