I Like Them Too

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This Will Not End Well Either

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iBeer: The Next Step in Technology?

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Boobs and Arrows

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The Force Is Strong With This One

Fanboys. I originally caught the trailer for this flick when it was attached to the front of the Clerks 2 DVD. That's been around 2 years ago, and I've been anxiously awaiting its theatrical release ever since. 

And I'm happy to say the wait is almost over. After various script re-writes, numerous re-shoots, and about 1000 different "confirmed" release dates, the film is finally hitting theaters on February 6 -- nearly 3 years after it was originally filmed. (That's less than 2 weeks, my friend!)

The best part: Due to backlash from Fanboys' fanboys, it will be released with the original footage and plot intact. Reportedly, the re-shoots and plot changes all but destroyed the story, so this is definitely good news.

The sad part: It's only getting a VERY limited release. When I say very limited, the unconfirmed number is only 8 theaters nationwide. Hopefully, if the film does well, it will be released on a larger scale. So, I urge all of you to go check this flick out if you happen to live within 100 miles of one of those 8 theaters. It won't hurt you to drive a couple of hours!

This will undoubtedly be an awesome movie, especially for all the Star Wars fanboys out there. I can't fuckin' wait. Oh, and did I mention it stars Kristen Bell? Yum.

(Trailer courtesy of the official Fanboys website.)

This Will Not End Well

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Do the Dew ... and Boobs

How many times have you been enjoying a cold Pepsi and thought to yourself how much better it would be if it were cucumber flavored? Never? Or how about mavi tree bark flavored? Mavi what? Yeah, me either. But, apparently, somebody has.

And, cucumber and mavi tree bark aren't the only eccentric soda flavors that this dude has cornered the market on. Elderflower, jasmine and milk are other popular flavors. Yes. I said milk. I'll be honest. I have no desire whatsoever to drink milk flavored soda ... or any of the other flavors that have been mentioned, for that matter.

If dude really wants to be remembered as a successful soda entrepreneur, he should give us some soda flavors that we could all enjoy. Boob flavored soda immediately comes to mind. Or even beer flavored. 

Wait. Beer flavored soda would essentially be beer. Nevermind that one then, but I'd still be all for boob flavored, as I'm sure my cohort, Duke, would be as well. In case you haven't noticed, the Funktards are big fans of boobs.

Strangely enough, these novelty soda concoctions haven't caught on with national retailers. I guess they don't see a big market for cucumber or milk flavored sodas. I wonder why.

I, however, firmly believe that boob flavored sodas would completely change their minds about that. I know I'd sure as hell buy them by the case. But, until this dream is realized, I'll just have to stick with my boob-free Mountain Dew.

(Original article at UPI.com)

Evil Internet Scares the Bejeezus Out of Me

We Live In Public TRAILER from We Live in Public on Vimeo.

Tool Time

From Sizzling Girls At Work

Hook, Line & Sinker

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Infested Delicacies & Geriatric Swagger

Those who know me would probably tell you I get my jollies from two things: boobs and beer.

And, based on the evidence here at 'Funktards' thus far, you'd probably buy it. But, I'm here to tell you -- man cannot live on nipple and Natty Light alone.

I've got my fair share of vices, but for now we'll only add one to the list: food. That's right, I'm all about getting my grub on, yo. I'm sportin' a metabolism that makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Dick Clark, so drop the images of glutton dancing around your head. I like to eat.

As an experienced eater I feel justified in sharing a big gripe. I've always been bothered by the fine line that exists between fine cuisine and Fear Factor. African cave-dwelling spiders? Fear Factor. Monkey brains? Delicacy. Camel Spiders? Fear Factor.

Get my drift? OK, then, hot shot: Is cheese filled with maggots hellbent on jumping into your eyeballs Fear Factor or delicacy?

Check out the big brain on you. That's right, it's a delicacy -- one apparently best savored with a strong red wine.

Allow me to offer up a hearty, "What the fuckin' fuck?" Better still, "Why the fuckin' fuck?" Because it's believed to be an aphrodisiac? Well you can take your grubby cheese and hump it to your heart's content, Kemo Sabe. We live in the age of Viagra. One need only look to my Great Uncle Arthur for proof that we don't need to eat maggots to get the ol' rooster crowing ... Uncle A pulls more bush than my gardener down at the retirement community.

So, in summary, if it sounds gross -- don't believe the hype -- a turd tastes like shit whether you eat it out of the bowl or off of a plate. Not that I know from experience or anything, but one of Uncle A's girlfriends always used to say that.

Fake? I think not.

Anyone that has known me for any significant amount of time more than likely also knows that I'm a life-long fan of professional wrestling. I've been watching it since I was in diapers, literally. Even today, I continue to tune in on a weekly basis despite the fact that I'm no longer in diapers and, more often than not, the product that they're presenting is unentertaining, stale, and sometimes unwatchable. However, as the old adage says, "old habits die hard," which I assume is the reason I keep watching week after week. Or, maybe, I'm just hoping to tune in one week and it'll suddenly be good again. I won't hold my breath on that one though.

Luckily, with the advent of YouTube, it has become quite easy to find clips of old segments or matches from years past when wrestling wasn't so ... ummm ... insanely freakin' terrible. On occasion, I'll even find myself scouring YouTube for recent matches from various independent feds around the country or for puroresu matches from Japan. (Puroresu isn't anything perverted. Get your minds out of the gutter!) Last night, as I was perusing YouTube, I happened upon this video that is just too damn impressive not to share. Oh, and for those of you that think wrestling is fake, you'll never be able to convince me that there's not an invisible dude in that ring with him. Decide for yourself:

Three's a Magic Number

From
15 Most Offensive, Banned and Rejected Ads

Let the record show that I am not offended, nor would I advocate the banning and/or rejection of such a glorious step in human evolution.

Regrets

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I Heart Kelly

No. I'm not professing my undying love for some chick named Kelly through a weblog. I'll save that for another time. However, an interesting phenomenon recently came to my attention that, for whatever reason, it has taken me around 15 years to notice.

It was around 6 a.m. on Thursday morning and, per usual, I was about to get ready to head off to the office for another long day of short pay. Before doing so, I lit up my first cigarette of the day and decided to do a bit of channel surfing. Hidden amongst the various morning newscasts and infomercials, I happened to stumble across one of my favorite television programs from my childhood, "Saved By The Bell," on TBS. Granted, it wasn't the greatest show in the world, especially looking back at it now, but it had one thing that no other show had: Kelly Kapowski. My god, she was hot. Sure, Jessie Spano might've went on to bare all in Showgirls, but Kelly was the chick that all pre-teen dudes drooled over, amongst other things. Who can blame Zack for being so damn infatuated with this girl? Hell, I was too!

But it doesn't end there. This morning at around 3:30 or so, I had just decided to go to sleep after a couple of hours of surfing the web. Again, I lit up a cigarette, this time my final one of the day, and proceeded to do some channel surfing. Just as before, I landed on TBS, however, I didn't find "SBTB" on this occasion. Apparently TBS enjoys replaying old sitcoms from the early 90s during the wee hours of the morning, because this time around I found "Married ... with Children." Al Bundy was a hero to shoe salesmen nationwide, but we all know the real reason we kept tuning in to the exploits of the Bundy family week after week: his daughter, Kelly Bundy. She was blonde. She was sexy. She was also ditzy and a bit slutty. Who wouldn't want her? I can guarantee that she helped quite a few teen guys get through puberty in the early 90s, including yours truly.

Now, I'm probably going to get laughed at and taunted for admitting the following, but I think I'll live. So, here goes ... I watch the new "90210." Go ahead and laugh it up. I watched the early seasons of the original series, so I thought I would at least give this one a chance if for no other reason than to see Kelly Taylor. Yes, yet another absolutely gorgeous "Kelly" from the early 90s and possibly the hottest of the three that have been mentioned. Strangely enough, she might be even hotter now than she was back then.

So, this begs the question, what was with our obsession with chicks named "Kelly" in the early 90s? Better yet, what was with Hollywood's obsession with giving all these television hotties the name "Kelly?" Coincidence? Or was it all a conspiracy? We may never know, but it is quite an interesting phenomenon if you ask me and one that I had never even thought about until today. Regardless, I still love you, Kelly ... and Kelly ... and Kelly ... even after all these years.

STFU, Pacman.

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These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

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